Obama urging Congress to officially postpone Christmas for two weeks

President to move Christmas to 1/8/10- cites decline in consumer spending

Obama speaking to members of the Change Christmas Coalition (CCC) earlier this morning.

Washington D.C. – President Obama met with members of the National Holiday Committee earlier today to allegedly discuss the official postponing of Christmas this year until January 8, 2010. The President, and many of his chief financial advisors, feel that the two week delay should provide the economy with a much needed jolt heading into the new year. The theory is that by allowing those Americans who are still employed to collect another paycheck, they would spend more on gifts for the holidays. This would in effect, extend the holiday shopping season well into next month.

Given the controversial nature of such a decision its understandable why the President had been trying to keep the plans a secret. Especially, when you consider that Obama would be the first President to ever request a delay of a national Holiday. The President has reportedly made it clear that all he wants to do is delay the gift-exchange portion of the holiday, and not Jesus Christ’s birthday. However, news of the possible Christmas move is already rubbing some Americans the wrong way.

As expected, FoxNews has devoted a lot of coverage to Obama's plans to change Christmas.

Most of the President’s opposition is bound by the common idea of not wanting government to intervene into their religious and festival affairs, especially on the day of their savior’s birth. “This is unconstitutional and down right offensive, the government has no power to reschedule Jesus’ birthday like that,” said James Tooker, a concerned citizen at an Pro-Xmas rally. He later added, “I mean, if Jesus and his buddies needed a couple extra bucks, you know… I don’t think he’d ask Obama to move his birthday two weeks.” Another pro-Xmas supporter present at the rally was Gail Stevens, who was holding up a sign that read- MOVIN’ X-MAS IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL. When she was asked to point to the exact clause in the Constitution where it is stated that Obama cannot move Christmas, the woman declared, “you want a specific clause huh?… how ’bout Santa Clause — I don’t think his name having the word clause in it is any coincidence.” The movement to keep Christmas unchanged seems to be gaining momentum as FoxNews announced today that it will be organizing numerous “grassroots” pro-Xmas protesting events in the upcoming weeks. Read more of this post

Oprah ending show because of Palin interview?

Oprah: “Palin left me with no hope for humanity.”

A frustrated Oprah seen here after wrapping her interview with Palin.

CHICAGO IL. — Oprah Winfrey’s legendary television talk show run will be coming to an end after 25 seasons on the air, her production company reported today. According to the Chicago-based Harpo Productions Inc., Winfrey is planning to announce the final date for The Oprah Winfrey Show on a live broadcast on Friday. The reason for her abrupt announcement – Sarah Palin.

It has been rumored that Winfrey has long thought Palin’s popularity was unwarranted because of the former governor’s questionable career decisions and insatiable thirst for the limelight. These feelings were evident to anyone who watched her recent interview of Palin. Those close to Oprah said she was visibly distraught after the interview and was overheard saying that America’s blind adoration with Palin made her believe she failed at her life’s work of empowering and educating women.

Winfrey has not tried to hide her political beliefs as she openly campaigned for President Obama during last year’s election and was even seen weeping on election night during his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park. However, many say her feelings on Palin go way beyond party politics, as one of the show’s producer’s claims that she believes Palin’s success is a clear indication that America is doomed and is too forgone to help. The anonymous producer said the Palin interview just proved to Winfrey that while she may have succeeded in raising the self-esteem of women everywhere, she clearly failed in “empowering women to get educated enough not to fall for the smoke and mirrors of a two-bit, propaganda spewing demagogue like Palin.”

Oprah is reportedly going to seeking counseling from Dr. Phill in the very near future.

Glenn Beck’s attempt to rape and murder 1st Amendment in 2009- fails

Court decides Beck can’t ‘rape and kill’ domain name

Roman Polanski and Glenn Beck = rapists

The master and his apprentice.

The alleged victim of a rape and murder in 1990 can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing those seeking justice on her behalf will not be silenced by the likes of Glenn Beck any time soon. That’s because the FoxNews show host, and rumored suspect, Glenn Beck lost his lawsuit against Isaac Eiland-Hall over the domain name of his site – glennbeckrapedand murderedayounggirlin1990.com. This decision has made it safe again to ask the question at the heart of the controversy- Did Glenn Beck rape and kill a woman in 1990? And, if he didn’t why hasn’t he denied the allegations?

Due to Beck’s silence on the issue, concerned Americans are no closer to answering the question today than when the story broke back in the beginning of September. The site in question was created almost immediately after news of Beck’s possible involvement in the 1990 rape became public. The site has become the headquarters for concerned citizens devoted to discovering the truth behind the vicious rumor that Glenn Beck raped and killed a woman in 1990. Although Beck has not publicly addressed the allegations, he clearly wants these rumors to go away as evidenced by his botched attempted cover up, which was debunked right here on UnreasonablySafe.com.

The decision is a significant win for not only vaginal rights advocates, but also for freedom of speech lovers too. Because had the ruling gone in Beck’s favor, it would’ve surely discouraged the public from investigating more unsolved 1990 Glenn Beck rape and murder cases. Although, the court remained silent on the actual rumor itself, its ruling clearly leaves the door wide open for further questioning of Beck’s supposed innocence. Some have even suggested that based on Swiss customs, the court’s silence actually means that it is interested in hearing Beck’s side of the story and he should promptly confirm or deny the allegations in a very detailed affidavit. Others were less sympathetic, one anonymous observer of the Beck case said, “regardless whether WIPO is in Switzerland or not- the fact is we let him walk out of that courtroom without handcuffs. I mean and we had him in our midst and we let him walk right out the front door- we should have busted him for rape and murder and asked questions last. It’s likely that the poor woman in 1990 would have wanted it that way- because I’m pretty sure he didn’t ask for permission before he raped her and killed her.”  Heart candy

Surprisingly, Beck’s supporters have joined his detractors in openly criticizing him and his lawsuit for being deceptively hypocritical. Many cite his characterization of the freedom of speech as, “our most precious right” and people’s ability to speak out as “the supposed watchdog of our Republic.” Beck seems to think the First Amendment only applies when he’s the one hurling offensive insults and allegations, and not when he becomes the target of allegations. Because, while Beck was claiming his freedom of speech protected his brand of incendiary rhetoric from White House criticism of FoxNews, he was simultaneously trying to prevent others from exercising their right to speak out against him. Read more of this post

FoxNews blasts Obama for wearing suit to plant tree

FoxNews claiming Obama’s newly planted tree will lead to communism

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Headline on FoxNews.com yesterday: "Timebomb Tree"

WASHINGTON D.C.  -  Last week President Obama planted a tree in the White House North Lawn. The tree planting ceremony lasted all of five minutes and was sparsely covered, if at all, by the mainstream media. In fact, there was no more than ten reporters in attendance.

Yet the same ceremony that barely registered not even so much as a blip on other news casts, has been exhaustively covered for five consecutive days by the only network brave and honest enough to report the truth-  FoxNews.  Much of FoxNews’ coverage has focused on claims that the  tree would lead to the spread of communism, and on questions surrounding Obama’s choice of wardrobe and gardening tools.

Glenn Beck tree

T.R.E.E. = The Reality is Everything Ending

Last Thursday FoxNews’ Glenn Beck devoted his entire program to showing viewers just how the tree would lead to communism. Beck warned- “America, you need to wake up and realize whats going on here, its no coincidence the type of tree Obama planted is the same as the one Stalin planted during his first year as leader of the Soviet Union.” Beck added, “it really began to come together for me when I noticed the President was really concerned with how evenly the soil was distributed. Its like I’ve been telling you all along- you have to read between the lines!”

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FoxNews claims Obama's shovels refused to grant them an interview.

Beck later went on to draw the tree on his famous chalkboard and labeled each of the tree’s roots as socialism, government intervention, acorn producing, and big spending bills. He scribbled Obama’s name on the trunk of the tree and claimed the planting of the tree signaled the “end of democracy as we know it. Democracy in this country has come full circle, it started with a President who chopped down a tree – and ends with one who planted a tree.” Beck even brought out his signature red phone and said, “notice how Anita Dunn and the rest of them over at the White House haven’t called me yet.” An emotional Beck closed out the show by noting, “Obama isn’t like you and me, just look at him… maybe I’m the crazy one, but do you know anyone who uses a gold plated shovel or wears a suit to plant a tree?” Read more of this post

Politicians and Pundits Howl-oween Bash Pictures

WASHINGTON D.C.  -  If the fun-loving bunch of politicians and pundits were looking for a break from a tense political season, then the Howl-oween Bash held this past Saturday evening was the place to be. Check out some of this year’s best & worst costumes:

Steele Shrek

Chairman of the RNC- Michael Steele as Shrek

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President Obama as Bert from Sesame Street

Fox News Sean Hannity Costume

Fox News' Sean Hannity

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Rush to buy NFL team, fulfill dream of ‘owning a bunch of black guys’

Rush Limbaugh’s plans to rename team ‘St. Louis Monkeys’ comes under fire from NFL for being overtly racist

What Edward Jones Dome Scoreboard will probably look like if Rush Limbaugh purchases St. Louis Rams.

What Edward Jones Dome Scoreboard will probably look like if Rush Limbaugh purchases St. Louis Rams. His hatred of SJax borders on insanity, especially considering he's the Rams best player.

ST. LOUIS, MO  -  Radio host Rush Limbaugh has never liked the idea of African American NFL quarterbacks, but until now he’s only been able to make racist comments about the topic. However, it might only be a matter of time before he can actually do something about it. Rush is rumored to be part of an ownership group that is hoping to buy an NFL team, and fortunately for Donovan McNabb- it’s the St. Louis Rams.

Sources close to Rush say that owning all or part of an NFL team would fulfill his dream of “following in my great, great grand-daddy Scooter’s footsteps.” Rush’s great, great grand-father Scoot Limbaugh was a wealthy cotton grower and slave owner. Scoot’s wife Anne, who he reportedly married at the tender age of twelve, died giving birth to Scoot’s only son, Rush’s great grand-father – Haste Limbaugh.

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Scoot Limbaugh, wife Anne, unknown girl sans eyes, and slave housekeeper Pearl Shay.

Rush has not made his love of slavery a secret and has been quoted as saying: “I mean, let’s face it, we didn’t have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing. Quite the opposite: slavery built the South… I’m just saying it had its merits.” Rush has also made numerous racist comments on the predominance of African American players in the NFL including saying: “[it] all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons.

It should come as little surprise that the NFL Players Union has publicly opposed Rush’s plans to buy the Rams. Which prompted Limbaugh to issue this reply: “Who cares if the players don’t like the idea. Because guess who owns all of the teams? Rich white guys- That’s who! And guess who happens to be a rich white guy? Me! So there you have it.”  Read more of this post

Beck tosses innocent frog into boiling pot of water on air – for fun

Not to rain on Beck’s crazy parade, but his little ‘experiment‘ was soo 90′s, as in 1690′s – it was called the Salem Witch Trials

Yes, you just witnessed a man kill a frog by tossing it into a pot of boiling water on live TV for no apparent reason, other than to prove to his critics, once and for all, that he’s a homicidal lunatic who can’t be trusted near amphibians. Beck was simply doing what he does best, which is to formulate some ridiculous argument/opinion based solely on a myth, only this time he tossed a live frog into a pot of boiling water.

The frog, who is survived by four tadpoles, was said to be a kind soul who had a zeal for life and truly enjoyed living. Friends of the frog claim he was a progressive environmentalist and a big supporter of green jobs. At his eulogy earlier today, his teary-eyed brother said “Ribbet!! My little bro didn’t die in vein- in fact, I couldn’t imagine a better way my brother would’ve wanted to go than by (sniffling) – exposing Beck for the crazy lying killer that he is.”

Frog-gate has already spawned another Beck book.

Frog-gate has already spawned another Beck book. Can you say stocking stuffer?! "Frogs: Boil Them Alive" is scheduled to hit shelves in earlier December - just in time for Christmas!

Sources close to the family say they were especially outraged by Beck’s dismissive comment- “forget about the frog,” he said immediately after realizing he had committed murder. The frog’s family plan on filing a wrongful death suit in the hopes of raising awareness of Beck’s murderous ways. Upon hearing of the family’s plans to sue him, Beck issued what can only be described as a heartless response. The douchey FoxNews show host actually had the audacity to claim the frog was a prop. So it’s not enough to end an innocent frog’s life- no, no- he felt compelled to add insult to injury by dismissing the frog as fake.

For argument’s sake, let’s assume for a moment that the frog was in fact a prop. Why would Beck rest his whole premise on showing viewers how they have to “jump out of the pot” in response to Obama’s policies- only to use a prop frog he knows can’t jump out of the pot. Does he secretly want viewers to stay in the pot of boiling water and die like the frog? I don’t get it. Read more of this post

Why Sean Hannity leaked photos of himself with hookers on purpose- ANSWERED!!!

From left to right: PIMP (Bunny brothel owner Dennis Hof), JOHN (Sean Hannity with pen), and HOOKER (Stacy Swallows Air Force Amy).

From left to right: PIMP (Bunny brothel owner Dennis Hof), JOHN (Sean Hannity with pen), and HOOKER (Stacy Swallows or Air Force Amy).

Hooker on Hannity: “he has been gladly paying good money for really raunchy sex with women he barely knows since well before 1990.”

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA -   An anonymous source close to FoxNews told Unreasonably Safe Reporter  the pictures circulating on the internet of Sean Hannity posing with prostitutes were actually leaked by Hannity himself. The source is also claiming that he actually did this to distance himself from the Glenn Beck rape controversy. The well publicized allegations that Beck raped a woman in 1990 has started to catch the attention of the mainstream media. They have been dumbfounded by the same question concerned citizens have yet to get an answer on- ‘If Glenn Beck didn’t rape a woman in 1990, why hasn’t he denied the allegations.’ Despite the growing concerns of citizens nationwide, Beck, Hannity and the rest of the FoxNews crew have remained mysteriously silent on the issue. That is until today, when the photos of Hannity carousing with prostitutes mysteriously began surfacing on the internet.

Apparently, the release of the photos was in response to the recent allegations that Hannity might have had a part in covering up Beck’s rape controversy. Rather than be dragged down by Beck’s problems, Hannity got out in front of the issue and released these pics himself in the hopes of creating a diversion, while also giving himself the opportunity to get his side of the story out before the liberal media was able to spin it. The message Hannity is putting out there is simple, “While it may be true that I used to be a whore monger, I at least paid for sex in 1990.”

Hannity and his honies after a lengthy session of 'in-depth investigatory reporting' and 'hard hitting revealing exposes'

Hannity and his honies after a lengthy session of 'in-depth investigatory reporting' and 'hard hitting revealing exposes'

More importantly, the photo leak effectively accomplishes two things. First it distances him from Beck and his rape controversy by creating his own quasi-controversy for people to focus on. Secondly, it serves to create a pretty rock-solid defense. Which is: ‘Sure, I used to squander hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on prostitutes, but that doesn’t mean I have a deep seated hatred of consensual sex. It simply means I used to have a deap seated hatred of non-transactional consensual sex.Read more of this post

Lou Dobbs to divorce wife after finding out she’s Mexican

Dobbs says he was fooled by her ‘Mexican gypsy trickery’

Lou Dobbs and Wife Debi Lee Segura

The Dobbs seen here recently at a screening of Fit with Mitt. (A documentary chronicling Mitt Romney's battle and eventual triumph over his obsession with his physical appearance, and the grueling exercise regiments he used to be addicted to.)

SUSSEX COUNTY, NEW JERSEY -  CNN show host, and staunch immigration critic, Lou Dobbs has reportedly filing for divorce from wife Debi Lee Segura. The news of the divorce came somewhat as a shock to Debi and the couple’s four children. In a brief phone interview with Unreasonably Safe Observer, she said “I had no idea we were even having problems, I mean Lou kissed me before leaving to work this morning and then two hours later I get a call from his attorney telling me he’s considering filing for divorce.”

Apparently, sources close to Dobbs claim he is contemplating filing for divorce after discovering his wife’s “secret” Mexican heritage. A longtime producer of Dobbs’ show, who asked not to be identified for this report, says the CNN show host is outraged but says he only has himself to blame.

The producer said, “I mean all of us at the show thought he knew, you know… that Deb was Mexican. Which is why we always found it kinda weird that he was super anti-Mexico and everything.” The producer also added, “he said he couldn’t believe he fell for her Mexican lies, but in my opinion I don’t think Debi ever tried to hide her heritage. I just don’t know how someone doesn’t notice something like that, I mean seriously, all the clues were there: Deb took ‘Cinco De Mayo’ a little too seriously not to be Mexican, she’s always cooked awesome Mexican food, and she even spoke Spanish to all four of their kids, Juan, Julio, Consuela, and Miguelito.” Read more of this post

Top 25 No sh!t Sherlock Headlines

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Joe Wilson yelled “You lie!” during Obama’s speech on a dare

Rep. Joe Wilson claims Sen. Chuck Grassley promised to let him into ‘Gang of Six

Rep. Joe Wilson seen here telling Grassley "I do have the balls!! Just watch me!!"

Rep. Joe Wilson seen here telling Grassley "You don't know me, I'm the craziest SOB you've ever met brother!! I got bigger balls than just about anyone here not counting Biden...just watch Chuck- I don't give a f%ck!!"

WASHINGTON D.C., -  During President Obama’s moving speech on health care Wednesday evening, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (R) yelled out “You lie!” when the President stated his plan would not provide coverage for illegal immigrants. Many who heard his comment instantly began speculating that such an outburst could only come from someone with touretts syndrome. Although the jury is still out -Wilson denied he has or has ever suffered from touretts syndrome- but did not provide any suporting evidence to justify his denials. Wilson released this formal apology immediately following the conclusion of the President’s speech:

This evening it looks as if I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the whole health care thing. But there is more than meets the eye here. To be honest with y’all, I frankly don’t know enough about all this health insurance mess to agree or disagree with the President’s statements about them Mexicans getting their hands on my health care. Rather, my comments were a direct result of Senator Grassley challenging me by saying: ‘I didn’t have the balls to pull a Glenn Beck and scream out something illogical and crazy during the speech.’ He even claimed ‘Pelosi has got bigger balls than you.’ He also said he was ‘so sure I’d chicken out that he’d be willing to bet his own membership in the Gang of Six that I wouldn’t do it.’

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley challenged Joe Wilson to pull a Glenn Beck during the President's speech on Wednesday.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley challenged Joe Wilson to pull a Glenn Beck during the President's speech on Wednesday.

Now, I wasn’t going to let ole’ Chucky get one on me, plus the Gang of Six are so awesome, everyone knows they throw the biggest keggers in D.C. Plus, I really wanted one of them leather jackets they wear with the cool number 6 on the back of it- I’d be like the Fonz of the House man. So, I yelled it loud as hell, unfortunately I didn’t time it right cause- at the very moment I  started screaming everyone decided to get quiet. So all you heard was me screaming ‘You lie!’ I know how all this must look, but trust me we pull much crazier crap than that all the time over at the C-street house. Anyways, I also know without all this context- my comments might have seemed inappropriate to the viewers at home and the President. Hopefully, y’all can understand where I was coming from given the circumstances. I would like to extend my sincere apologies to the President for my outburst, and he also deserves an apology from Senator Grassley who started it all. Hopefully, I don’t think they’ll be any  hard feelings, because he knows that I don’t know enough about health care enough to have just blurted something out without being provoked.

Senator Grassley could not be reached for comment and is expected to address Wilson’s allegations in the forthcoming days. Read more of this post

Tampa man’s “proof” Beck didn’t rape woman in 1990 – DEBUNKED!!

Gil Stefano claims to have taken this picture on March 13, 1990, while on a sailing excursion with Beck and friends.

Gil Stefano claims to have taken this picture on March 14, 1990, while on a sailing excursion with Glenn Beck and friends. The picture shows Beck on the bottom posing with Bruce Henning on top.

ST. PETERSBURG, FL.  -  “There is absolutely no way Glenn Beck raped a woman on March 14, 1990, because I was sailing with him and some friends that same day,” says local Tampa retiree Gil Stefano.  He is also claiming to have a picture he took on the sailing trip to prove it.

Mr. Stefano told Unreasonably Safe Observer, “when I first heard of the allegations I thought it was a joke, not because I didn’t think Mr. Beck was capable of it, but because from that sailing trip it didn’t seem to me like Glenn even liked women. He was flirting like a little school girl with Bruce Henning the whole afternoon” said Stefano. Who added “yeah, every time I looked at him he was batting his eyelashes or blowing little kisses at Bruce.”

The "Stephano" picture was originally published in 1985, a whole five years before Beck allegedly maybe raped a woman in 1990.

The "Stephano" picture was originally published in 1985, a whole five years before Beck allegedly maybe raped a woman in 1990.

As badly as Beck fans want to believe Mr. Stefano’s cute little tale, don’t be fooled. Mr. Stefano is not telling the whole truth. While there is no questioning the legitimacy of his photo, the date he is claiming to have taken the photo is clearly erroneous.

Apparently the same photo was originally published in 1985 by Annandale Advocate. The photo was part of a feature article which profiled Annandale local Bruce Henning’s love of sailing and men in the paper’s then gay friendly section, Backdoor Pages.

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Did Glenn Beck rape a woman in 1990? Answered!! Well sort of…

Did Beck rape a woman in 1990?

Does he have a ‘deep seated hatred’ for consensual sex?

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Official Durham County Police report listing Glenn Beck as a rape suspect. (Click on picture for a closer look)

DURHAM, CT.  -  According to a recently discovered Durham County Police report Glenn Beck raped a woman in 1990. Calm down!! Chances are the suspect in the case is just someone who shares the same name as the FoxNews show host.

Despite the great likelihood of this being the product of a simple mix up of names-  there are some eerie coincidences that are worth mentioning. For starters, the crime remains unsolved. The manhunt for the suspect briefly caught the attention of Durham’s local media after numerous reports were leaked stating that the rapist, not the victim,  cried throughout the encounter. This led to the local Durham media giving the wanted suspect the nickname – “Crying Rapist.”

Newspaper

"Crying Rapist" headline on March 28, 1990 reported by a local Durham newspaper. -- Courtesy of Durham Times.

The local media attention around the case intensified after Durham’s Channel 4 ran an interview with Gwendolyn Sutton, the officer who responded to the rape call. In the interview, Officer Sutton claimed “the victim told me the rapist whispered the phrase ‘I’m doing because I love my country‘ repeatedly as he cried and raped her.” Sutton added, “before the rapist ran away he looked at the elderly lady and reportedly told her ‘in the future a brilliant black man will run the government and get it to kill you‘ or something crazy like that.” After weeks of exhaustive searches and chasing countless dead leads, the county-wide manhunt for the “Crying Rapist” eventually died down. Local media coverage eventually faded out as the town turned its attention to the town’s annual bake sale hosted by Big Betty’s Brownie Bonanza, a local town favorite.

 The "Crying Rapist" police artist rendering bares a somewhat strong resemblance to Glenn Beck. -- (Courtesy: Durham Channel 4 archives. Click on picture)

The "Crying Rapist" police artist rendering bares a somewhat strong resemblance to Glenn Beck. -- (Courtesy: Durham Channel 4 archives. Click on picture)

It is also worth mentioning that Beck worked at WKCI-FM (KC101), a Top 40 radio station in Hamden, Ct., where he co-hosted the Glenn and Pat Show, a local morning show with Pat Gray. However, the fact that Glenn Beck worked in Connecticut prior to working at CNN and FoxNews in no way suggests that he raped an elderly lady. Obviously, there had to have been another man named Glenn Beck in Connecticut around 1990 too, who also harbored an unhealthy and irrational fear of a tyrannical and homicidal government, who  allegedly wept while raping an elderly lady.

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Rush Limbaugh cautions Jay-Z: Obama is after your penis

Rush tips off nation to Obama’s penis plans, and oh yeah…future vision of Minotaurs ravaging your grandma

Rush describing his penis when it first went missing in 1997.

Rush describing his penis when it first went missing in 1997.

After weeks of silence, Rush Limbaugh finally responded to rapper Jay-Z’s demands that he “get off my balls.”  Despite the clamoring of his  loyal fans for a response,Rush chose not to act hastily and prematurely deny the Jigga-man’s allegations.  Instead, the conservative-dick turned dick-conservationist had three of his interns circumnavigate his entire body over the course of ten days just to make sure that none of his abundant body fat was actually resting on Jay-Z’s testicles somewhere. All of the interns confirmed that none of Rush was on Jay-Z’s balls, however when Rush did respond, he didn’t fire back like most thought he would. Instead, Limbaugh had this to say:

After much investigation, I can assure all of you that I was not on anyone’s balls, but if I am somehow mistaken… I did not know I was on anybody’s balls.  I’m happy to know that they think I am though. But I didn’t – I didn’t actually know that I was.

It wasn’t enough to thoroughly address the rapper’s balls, he wanted more… Rush felt compelled to pay some lip service to Jay-Z’s penis:

I would remind the rapper Jay-Z, Mr. Z, and all Americans with penises, it is President Obama that wants to mandate circumcision. We had that yesterday, and that means if anybody – if we need to save our penises from anybody, it’s Obama…..

Before Limbaugh could finish his prophetic statement he was overcome with

Limbaugh describing his missing penis at a RNC event earlier this year.

What tall tales Rush tells, seen here describing his missing penis at a RNC event earlier this year.

emotion and the show abruptly cut to commercial. When the show returned from commercial, Rush mysteriously launched right into discussing the “meaning” of a newly added clause in the health care plan. The new clause, Rush claimed, would force all grandmothers into choosing death or  live out their lives in indentured slutitude, where they’d work all day, servicing the likes of leprechauns, minotaurs, androids, and other half breed beasts. Read more of this post

Glenn Beck’s A.A. sponsor decides to drop him too, but not because he’s a racist

Glenn Beck loses another sponsor… his A.A. sponsor

"I was at a recent meeting with the two, and you could almost drink the tension between them," said one AA meeting attendee who prefered to remain anonymous.  (Beck and Tipple pictured at a recent meeting- both are seated nearside with back facing camera- Beck wearing black, and Tipple wearing white)

"I was at a recent meeting with the two, and you could almost drink the tension between them," said one AA meeting attendee who prefered to remain anonymous. (Beck pictured at a recent meeting wearing black shirt nearest the camera- and Tipple beside him to his left wearing white.)

You can now add Darenn Tipple’s name to the growing list of sponsors who have dropped the doltish FoxNews show host.  Tipple had been Beck’s AA (Alcoholics’ Anonymous) sponsor for the past two years; a feat many thought was impossible considering that in 14 years, none of Beck’s previous sponsors had lasted more than six months. Tipple’s feat did not go unnoticed though, as he was presented with the Medal of Mettle at an AA banquet yesterday.  The medal is the highest honor given by the organization, and is only given to those who have shown unbelievable courage to stay sober in the face of insurmountable obstacles.

An emotional Beck at a recent AA meeting.

An emotional Beck at a recent AA meeting.

In an interview with Recovering Drunkard magazine, Tipple claimed that Beck “was impossible to get along with,” and “he felt himself getting dumber the more he got to know Beck.”  He went on to say that, “Glenn always insisted that people call him GB,” and “there wasn’t a meeting that Glenn didn’t cry at, sometimes I’d find him all teary eyed before the dang meeting even started.” The experience of sponsoring Beck became so draining that Tipple was even assigned an additional sponsor just to help him hang on to his sobriety. When asked how he felt after telling Beck the news, Tipple jokingly said, “I feel like doing some serious celebrating and getting super sh*t faced, but I’m not.”

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