John Boehner’s tanning spray recalled

Despite numerous warnings from the Surgeon General that continued use of tanning sprays would only make him look like more of a douche, Boehner vowed to continue using his products.

Despite numerous warnings from the Surgeon General that continued use of tanning sprays would only make him look like more of a douche, Boehner vowed to continue using his products.

House Minority leader John Boehner’s signature sunless tanning spray has been recalled by Naranja Skin Co. due a growing number of customer complaints.  The Ohio representative’s Deep Orange MicroMist Tanning spray had enjoyed national success until numerous customers recently needed to be hospitalized because they suffered adverse effects from using the spray. Thirteen people, in all, needed emergency care when continued use of the spray caused:  impaired vision (red only color visible); uttering of nonsensical statements without justification; and a complete inability to empathize with others.

Although the Naranja Skin Co. claimed the hospitalizations were isolated incidents, it issued a formal apology and has also called for an immediate recall of all sold and unsold product.  Boehner characterized Naranja’s recall as a precautionary move and stood by the products’ formula, claiming “hey look at me you don’t see me crapping my pants and my skin burning aint off!”

Break me off a lil spritz of that Boehmer sheeeet!

Break me off a lil spritz of that Boehn-asty sheeeet!

The most common side effects customers complained of was unexplained sensations of elitism, and sudden bouts of douchy attitude. These side effects were no secret to Boehner and Naranja, as the products’ warning labels explicitly cautioned users about those very conditions. Boehner explained, “when you look this good and tan, you can’t help but feel better than everyone, plus you aren’t afraid to let them know either.”

Originally marketed for middle aged men and women, Boehner’s spray surprisingly gained a loyal following amongst the 16-22 demographic, especially in the Philadelphia and New Jersey markets.  When word spread of the recall, mobs of orange roided-out fans stormed local pharmacies looking to stock up on the potent spray.  “I can’t go a day without my Boehner’s… son, cause the honeys be loving my orangeness kisses” said one area young man.  No word yet if the hospitalized customers are seeking legal action or not.

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Teabagging townhalls: Whose nuts? Whose mouths?

Teabagging, as shown by this video, has the potential to ruin the lives of kid, and it also has the potential to ruin our chances of having an educated debate on health care.  The term “teabagging” is  slang for the act of a man (teabagg-er) placing his scrotum in the mouth or on, or around the face  of another person (teabagg-ee), often in a repeated in-and-out motion.  The practice resembles dipping a tea bag into a cup of tea.  By now you may be asking yourself what this weird sexual act has in common with health care.  The answer is everything.

The media has been struggling to characterize the teabagger movement.  Some media outlets are quick to call them all crazy (notably MSNBC), some try to keep an objective stance on them, while other outlets (notably FOX) are happy to promote them as innocent patriotic protesters. Read more of this post

WATCH OUT OBAMA!! The last time Chuck Norris denied reality, it temporarily ceased to exist.

Sure, Jesus could walk on water...but Chuck could walk on Jesus' face

Sure, Jesus could walk on water...but Chuck could walk on Jesus' face

I’ve had nightmares this day would come!! Unfortunately, that day has arrived. Chuck Norris is after Obama….(seriously)…. to show him his birth certificate. The birthers’ dream of throwing the President out of office has now become a scary reality, if not an inevitability. The birthers, if didn’t know, are a fringe group of crazies who insist that Obama show them his birth certificate on a daily basis, even though the birth certificate is readily available online. These nutjobs pretend like they’ve never seen it before, despite the countless copies he and his staff hand out like fliers at town hall meetings, and the tons more they’ve thrown out of cars traveling in the President’s motorcade. They inexplicably forget the surprise birthday party Obama threw for Birther leader Orly Taitz just two weeks ago in which the President, not only “made it rain” by dumping over 20,000 birth certificate copies on unsuspecting party patrons, but he also went as far as printing the invitations on copies of his certificate too. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day with these backwoods people.
They’ve been seen as a group of looneys, that is until today. You see, Chuck Norris sent Obama a letter (written on newborn baby flesh) in which he demands that the President show him his birth certificate.
Great!! Now these whackjobs have legitimate muscle behind them, just what we needed- WMDs ending up in the wrong hands. Norris and the birthers create an unstoppable redneck-tarded Voltron-like force, the likes of which this country has never seen before. When asked about the letter, Chuck responded by saying, “I’m going to see Obama’s name on some certificate by this Friday one way or another….if not his birth certificate then I’ll personally deliver his death certificate.” Obama had recently started to treat the birther’s daily requests as a joke and posted these “authentic” birth certificates on the White House website:
obama-birth-cert-real

Obama's official Kenyan birth certificate

Obama's official Kenyan birth certificate

Enlisting the help of Chuck Norris can only be seen as a decisive victory for the birthers, because when Chuck speaks – everyone listens…. to themselves die. Birthers’ believe that Obama’s birth is a theory, much like Chuck Norris’ birth, except Chuck’s is known as the Big Bang. The government has not tried to hide its fear of Norris, as evident by the fact that he has never paid any taxes- even state sales tax. Instead, Chuck sends them his 1040ez forms blank – with only a stapled picture of himself crouched in attack-mode. Want another sign that Obama’s days are numbered in the white house? Chuck is not only a racist, he invented it….after Mr. T beat him in Tic Tac Toe once. However, this wouldn’t be the first time Norris ends the life of a President… back in 1963 he was responsible for killing President Kennedy. Many people think JFK was assassinated, however excerpts from the Zapruder film clearly show that just as Oswald fired his rifle, Chuck deflected all three bullets with his beard. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement. Read more of this post

Top 10 Health Care Myths

Mandatory Civil War reenactments?

Mandatory Civil War reenactments?

10.  Everyone will have to participate in Civil War reenactments at least once a month as part of the Civil War Reserve.

9.  Midgets/Dwarfs will be forced by the government to become the seeing eye-people for the blind. They will be on leashes or atop the shoulders of the blind.

8.  Government Health Care is really part of a secret plan for the very poor to become organ farms for the very rich and organless.

7.  Insurance coverage will be rationed depending on the results of an IQ test.  The lower the score, the less coverage you can expect. Sorry Nascar fans!!

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