Joe Wilson yelled “You lie!” during Obama’s speech on a dare

Rep. Joe Wilson claims Sen. Chuck Grassley promised to let him into ‘Gang of Six

Rep. Joe Wilson seen here telling Grassley "I do have the balls!! Just watch me!!"

Rep. Joe Wilson seen here telling Grassley "You don't know me, I'm the craziest SOB you've ever met brother!! I got bigger balls than just about anyone here not counting Biden...just watch Chuck- I don't give a f%ck!!"

WASHINGTON D.C., -  During President Obama’s moving speech on health care Wednesday evening, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (R) yelled out “You lie!” when the President stated his plan would not provide coverage for illegal immigrants. Many who heard his comment instantly began speculating that such an outburst could only come from someone with touretts syndrome. Although the jury is still out -Wilson denied he has or has ever suffered from touretts syndrome- but did not provide any suporting evidence to justify his denials. Wilson released this formal apology immediately following the conclusion of the President’s speech:

This evening it looks as if I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the whole health care thing. But there is more than meets the eye here. To be honest with y’all, I frankly don’t know enough about all this health insurance mess to agree or disagree with the President’s statements about them Mexicans getting their hands on my health care. Rather, my comments were a direct result of Senator Grassley challenging me by saying: ‘I didn’t have the balls to pull a Glenn Beck and scream out something illogical and crazy during the speech.’ He even claimed ‘Pelosi has got bigger balls than you.’ He also said he was ‘so sure I’d chicken out that he’d be willing to bet his own membership in the Gang of Six that I wouldn’t do it.’

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley challenged Joe Wilson to pull a Glenn Beck during the President's speech on Wednesday.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley challenged Joe Wilson to pull a Glenn Beck during the President's speech on Wednesday.

Now, I wasn’t going to let ole’ Chucky get one on me, plus the Gang of Six are so awesome, everyone knows they throw the biggest keggers in D.C. Plus, I really wanted one of them leather jackets they wear with the cool number 6 on the back of it- I’d be like the Fonz of the House man. So, I yelled it loud as hell, unfortunately I didn’t time it right cause- at the very moment I  started screaming everyone decided to get quiet. So all you heard was me screaming ‘You lie!’ I know how all this must look, but trust me we pull much crazier crap than that all the time over at the C-street house. Anyways, I also know without all this context- my comments might have seemed inappropriate to the viewers at home and the President. Hopefully, y’all can understand where I was coming from given the circumstances. I would like to extend my sincere apologies to the President for my outburst, and he also deserves an apology from Senator Grassley who started it all. Hopefully, I don’t think they’ll be any  hard feelings, because he knows that I don’t know enough about health care enough to have just blurted something out without being provoked.

Senator Grassley could not be reached for comment and is expected to address Wilson’s allegations in the forthcoming days. Read more of this post

Rush Limbaugh cautions Jay-Z: Obama is after your penis

Rush tips off nation to Obama’s penis plans, and oh yeah…future vision of Minotaurs ravaging your grandma

Rush describing his penis when it first went missing in 1997.

Rush describing his penis when it first went missing in 1997.

After weeks of silence, Rush Limbaugh finally responded to rapper Jay-Z’s demands that he “get off my balls.”  Despite the clamoring of his  loyal fans for a response,Rush chose not to act hastily and prematurely deny the Jigga-man’s allegations.  Instead, the conservative-dick turned dick-conservationist had three of his interns circumnavigate his entire body over the course of ten days just to make sure that none of his abundant body fat was actually resting on Jay-Z’s testicles somewhere. All of the interns confirmed that none of Rush was on Jay-Z’s balls, however when Rush did respond, he didn’t fire back like most thought he would. Instead, Limbaugh had this to say:

After much investigation, I can assure all of you that I was not on anyone’s balls, but if I am somehow mistaken… I did not know I was on anybody’s balls.  I’m happy to know that they think I am though. But I didn’t – I didn’t actually know that I was.

It wasn’t enough to thoroughly address the rapper’s balls, he wanted more… Rush felt compelled to pay some lip service to Jay-Z’s penis:

I would remind the rapper Jay-Z, Mr. Z, and all Americans with penises, it is President Obama that wants to mandate circumcision. We had that yesterday, and that means if anybody – if we need to save our penises from anybody, it’s Obama…..

Before Limbaugh could finish his prophetic statement he was overcome with

Limbaugh describing his missing penis at a RNC event earlier this year.

What tall tales Rush tells, seen here describing his missing penis at a RNC event earlier this year.

emotion and the show abruptly cut to commercial. When the show returned from commercial, Rush mysteriously launched right into discussing the “meaning” of a newly added clause in the health care plan. The new clause, Rush claimed, would force all grandmothers into choosing death or  live out their lives in indentured slutitude, where they’d work all day, servicing the likes of leprechauns, minotaurs, androids, and other half breed beasts. Read more of this post

John Boehner’s tanning spray recalled

Despite numerous warnings from the Surgeon General that continued use of tanning sprays would only make him look like more of a douche, Boehner vowed to continue using his products.

Despite numerous warnings from the Surgeon General that continued use of tanning sprays would only make him look like more of a douche, Boehner vowed to continue using his products.

House Minority leader John Boehner’s signature sunless tanning spray has been recalled by Naranja Skin Co. due a growing number of customer complaints.  The Ohio representative’s Deep Orange MicroMist Tanning spray had enjoyed national success until numerous customers recently needed to be hospitalized because they suffered adverse effects from using the spray. Thirteen people, in all, needed emergency care when continued use of the spray caused:  impaired vision (red only color visible); uttering of nonsensical statements without justification; and a complete inability to empathize with others.

Although the Naranja Skin Co. claimed the hospitalizations were isolated incidents, it issued a formal apology and has also called for an immediate recall of all sold and unsold product.  Boehner characterized Naranja’s recall as a precautionary move and stood by the products’ formula, claiming “hey look at me you don’t see me crapping my pants and my skin burning aint off!”

Break me off a lil spritz of that Boehmer sheeeet!

Break me off a lil spritz of that Boehn-asty sheeeet!

The most common side effects customers complained of was unexplained sensations of elitism, and sudden bouts of douchy attitude. These side effects were no secret to Boehner and Naranja, as the products’ warning labels explicitly cautioned users about those very conditions. Boehner explained, “when you look this good and tan, you can’t help but feel better than everyone, plus you aren’t afraid to let them know either.”

Originally marketed for middle aged men and women, Boehner’s spray surprisingly gained a loyal following amongst the 16-22 demographic, especially in the Philadelphia and New Jersey markets.  When word spread of the recall, mobs of orange roided-out fans stormed local pharmacies looking to stock up on the potent spray.  “I can’t go a day without my Boehner’s… son, cause the honeys be loving my orangeness kisses” said one area young man.  No word yet if the hospitalized customers are seeking legal action or not.

Read more of this post

20 Stupidest Prostester Signs

The First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution protects everyone’s freedom of speech and right to peaceably assemble.  However, the Constitution doesn’t have any intelligence requirements to exercise those rights….

20.  Juice is pretty harmless, if not healthy for you

20. Juice is pretty harmless, if not healthy for you

14.  Ummm....they did in 1936

19. Ummm....they did in 1936

13.  Too easy

18. Too easy

 

12.

17. Nice

16.  How true

16. How true

15.

15. Creative reference to awesome 80's show

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WATCH OUT OBAMA!! The last time Chuck Norris denied reality, it temporarily ceased to exist.

Sure, Jesus could walk on water...but Chuck could walk on Jesus' face

Sure, Jesus could walk on water...but Chuck could walk on Jesus' face

I’ve had nightmares this day would come!! Unfortunately, that day has arrived. Chuck Norris is after Obama….(seriously)…. to show him his birth certificate. The birthers’ dream of throwing the President out of office has now become a scary reality, if not an inevitability. The birthers, if didn’t know, are a fringe group of crazies who insist that Obama show them his birth certificate on a daily basis, even though the birth certificate is readily available online. These nutjobs pretend like they’ve never seen it before, despite the countless copies he and his staff hand out like fliers at town hall meetings, and the tons more they’ve thrown out of cars traveling in the President’s motorcade. They inexplicably forget the surprise birthday party Obama threw for Birther leader Orly Taitz just two weeks ago in which the President, not only “made it rain” by dumping over 20,000 birth certificate copies on unsuspecting party patrons, but he also went as far as printing the invitations on copies of his certificate too. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day with these backwoods people.
They’ve been seen as a group of looneys, that is until today. You see, Chuck Norris sent Obama a letter (written on newborn baby flesh) in which he demands that the President show him his birth certificate.
Great!! Now these whackjobs have legitimate muscle behind them, just what we needed- WMDs ending up in the wrong hands. Norris and the birthers create an unstoppable redneck-tarded Voltron-like force, the likes of which this country has never seen before. When asked about the letter, Chuck responded by saying, “I’m going to see Obama’s name on some certificate by this Friday one way or another….if not his birth certificate then I’ll personally deliver his death certificate.” Obama had recently started to treat the birther’s daily requests as a joke and posted these “authentic” birth certificates on the White House website:
obama-birth-cert-real

Obama's official Kenyan birth certificate

Obama's official Kenyan birth certificate

Enlisting the help of Chuck Norris can only be seen as a decisive victory for the birthers, because when Chuck speaks – everyone listens…. to themselves die. Birthers’ believe that Obama’s birth is a theory, much like Chuck Norris’ birth, except Chuck’s is known as the Big Bang. The government has not tried to hide its fear of Norris, as evident by the fact that he has never paid any taxes- even state sales tax. Instead, Chuck sends them his 1040ez forms blank – with only a stapled picture of himself crouched in attack-mode. Want another sign that Obama’s days are numbered in the white house? Chuck is not only a racist, he invented it….after Mr. T beat him in Tic Tac Toe once. However, this wouldn’t be the first time Norris ends the life of a President… back in 1963 he was responsible for killing President Kennedy. Many people think JFK was assassinated, however excerpts from the Zapruder film clearly show that just as Oswald fired his rifle, Chuck deflected all three bullets with his beard. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement. Read more of this post

Top 10 Health Care Myths

Mandatory Civil War reenactments?

Mandatory Civil War reenactments?

10.  Everyone will have to participate in Civil War reenactments at least once a month as part of the Civil War Reserve.

9.  Midgets/Dwarfs will be forced by the government to become the seeing eye-people for the blind. They will be on leashes or atop the shoulders of the blind.

8.  Government Health Care is really part of a secret plan for the very poor to become organ farms for the very rich and organless.

7.  Insurance coverage will be rationed depending on the results of an IQ test.  The lower the score, the less coverage you can expect. Sorry Nascar fans!!

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