Broke University to pay consultant $3 Million to help it find ways to save money

Excessive budget-cutting consultant fees not on chopping block says handsomely paid consultant

"The only way the university will be able to cover the costs of its librarians," said the consultant, "is by selling all the books in the university's library on Amazon.com."

"The only way the university will be able to cover the costs of its librarians," said the consultant, "is by selling all the books in the university's library on Amazon."

BERKELEY, CA. –  UC Berkeley has reached an agreement to pay a consultant $3 million to help the school find new ways it can save money. The consultant suggested that the university could cut its budget deficit by up to $1.2 million if it: cut faculty pay; laid off some employees; sold a portion of its campus; and raised student fees.

These, and other similar suggestions were part of the what the consultant calls its first phase of budget suggestions. The consultant said such suggestions were merely intended to be short-term fixes, much like a band-aid gently placed over a newly severed limb. The consultant urged everyone not to confuse its first phase of budget suggestions with its second phase of budget tips which include “long-term financial strategies.”

Budget analysts say the consultant’s second phase of budget tips could potentially save the university up to $6 million a year in the long term. “We think we have a great opportunity to save millions of dollars every year, if the consultant would just tell us what the second phase of tips are” said UC Berkeley Vice Chancellor Yeary in an announcement posted on the university’s website Monday morning. Sources close to Chancellor Yeary say the university has nearly secured all the funding to cover the consultant’s $8 million asking price for its second phase of suggestions. Read more of this post

Fail…eh? Canadians raise national failure standard

FD

F D = Failure & Disappointment

B.C. University Dean Simon Fraser is taking punishment to a whole new level, by introducing a grade of FD meaning failure with dishonesty, or better yet f*cking disasterThis is the worst possible grade a student can possibly receive.  “Students who receive a grade of FD essentially failed at failing,” said Fraser who has long supported raising the standards of failure.  Fraser added, “for too long students have expected Fs to be handed to them because they merely skipped class and missed every exam, Canada should expect more from its losers.”

Product of a former FD student

Product of a former FD student

In an interview with Canadian newspaper, News…Eh?, Frasier justified the new FD grade on the grounds that it will finally provide F students with the opportunity to feel superior to another group of people.  Despite F students’substantially higher rate of failure, Frasier opposes the belief that F students failed at feeling superior because they’re failures who simply fail at mostly everything.  He cites a recent Montreal University study which attributes F students’ general lack of a superiority complex to the historical absence of a class of people to feel superior to.

Some critics think the new FD grade will cause F students to believe they’re not utter failures, but merely complete disappointments; and eventually lead to the replacement of D students altogether.  Others are not so apocalyptic-minded, but believe D students might develop an unrealistic sense of accomplishment from outperforming two groups of people.  Yet, most American educational experts think not much will be changed by the FD , as F and D students will always be considered losers.  Frasier has not commented on what, if any, effect the new FD grade might have on D students.

New sign painted near Canadian school, after a study revealed FD students were failing to stop at stop signs because they think stop is spelled s-o-p-t

New sign painted near Canadian school, after a study revealed FD students were failing to stop at stop signs because they think stop is spelled s-o-p-t.

The Canadian Ministry of Education is planning similar measures in its effort to reform the country’s entire grading system.  In addition to adopting the FD grade, the Ministry also plans to introduce the experimental grade of CC (±), which is supposed to greatly expand the notion of slacker-style mediocrity.  A grade of CC (±) introduces the subjective element of “style” to assessing student performance but will count the same as a grade of C.  “C students did enough to get by,” said one board member, “whereas  CC (±) students made it look easy or added some pizazz.”   Another board member agreed and added, “we live in a society that increasingly values style over substance and the education system should be a reflection of what society expects from students when they enter the workforce.”

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