Rush Limbaugh cautions Jay-Z: Obama is after your penis
August 31, 2009 2 Comments
Rush tips off nation to Obama’s penis plans, and oh yeah…future vision of Minotaurs ravaging your grandma
After weeks of silence, Rush Limbaugh finally responded to rapper Jay-Z’s demands that he “get off my balls.” Despite the clamoring of his loyal fans for a response,Rush chose not to act hastily and prematurely deny the Jigga-man’s allegations. Instead, the conservative-dick turned dick-conservationist had three of his interns circumnavigate his entire body over the course of ten days just to make sure that none of his abundant body fat was actually resting on Jay-Z’s testicles somewhere. All of the interns confirmed that none of Rush was on Jay-Z’s balls, however when Rush did respond, he didn’t fire back like most thought he would. Instead, Limbaugh had this to say:
After much investigation, I can assure all of you that I was not on anyone’s balls, but if I am somehow mistaken… I did not know I was on anybody’s balls. I’m happy to know that they think I am though. But I didn’t – I didn’t actually know that I was.
It wasn’t enough to thoroughly address the rapper’s balls, he wanted more… Rush felt compelled to pay some lip service to Jay-Z’s penis:
I would remind the rapper Jay-Z, Mr. Z, and all Americans with penises, it is President Obama that wants to mandate circumcision. We had that yesterday, and that means if anybody – if we need to save our penises from anybody, it’s Obama…..
Before Limbaugh could finish his prophetic statement he was overcome with
emotion and the show abruptly cut to commercial. When the show returned from commercial, Rush mysteriously launched right into discussing the “meaning” of a newly added clause in the health care plan. The new clause, Rush claimed, would force all grandmothers into choosing death or live out their lives in indentured slutitude, where they’d work all day, servicing the likes of leprechauns, minotaurs, androids, and other half breed beasts.
The reason Rush didn’t keep talking about how the government was going to take Americans’ penises is because the issue hits too close to home. As it turns out, Rush has been searching for his penis for over 12 years, and believes the Clinton administration was behind the disappearance of his beloved penis. On an off-camera interview recently, a source close to the host said that “Rush doesn’t pee like you and me do, its like he gets the yellow sweats down there,” and added “yeah, its crazy man, its like the piss just comes right through his skin.” The source claims to have seen Rush naked on a recent camping trip and described what he saw, “imagine a huge fat mannequin with no pee-pee parts right, just a mound of sponge-like flabby skin down there, kinda like a ball of raw pizza dough.”
Rush Limbaugh has not responded to these claims yet, but we’ll keep you posted if he does.
Also check out-