John Boehner wearing Ed Hardy ties now? Becomes official representative of douchebags everywhere

Ed Hardy douche bag plague claims House Minority leader John Boehner

The French designer of Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier, always dreamed of coming to the United States and shitting on every product in our everyday lives.  For, the most part he’s succeeded, as Ed Hardy is on everything from carpet cleaning sprays, incense. tampons and now around John Boehner’s neck. It is being reported that Boehner signed an exclusive contract with Audigier, in which he’ll wear Hardy’s crayola-diarrhea neck apparel in return for a large campaign donation come this fall from Audigier. Is the GOP that desperate for cash?  Maybe…. Is  Boehner now the official d-bag party representative? Yes, was there ever a doubt?

Obama urging Congress to officially postpone Christmas for two weeks

President to move Christmas to 1/8/10- cites decline in consumer spending

Obama speaking to members of the Change Christmas Coalition (CCC) earlier this morning.

Washington D.C. – President Obama met with members of the National Holiday Committee earlier today to allegedly discuss the official postponing of Christmas this year until January 8, 2010. The President, and many of his chief financial advisors, feel that the two week delay should provide the economy with a much needed jolt heading into the new year. The theory is that by allowing those Americans who are still employed to collect another paycheck, they would spend more on gifts for the holidays. This would in effect, extend the holiday shopping season well into next month.

Given the controversial nature of such a decision its understandable why the President had been trying to keep the plans a secret. Especially, when you consider that Obama would be the first President to ever request a delay of a national Holiday. The President has reportedly made it clear that all he wants to do is delay the gift-exchange portion of the holiday, and not Jesus Christ’s birthday. However, news of the possible Christmas move is already rubbing some Americans the wrong way.

As expected, FoxNews has devoted a lot of coverage to Obama's plans to change Christmas.

Most of the President’s opposition is bound by the common idea of not wanting government to intervene into their religious and festival affairs, especially on the day of their savior’s birth. “This is unconstitutional and down right offensive, the government has no power to reschedule Jesus’ birthday like that,” said James Tooker, a concerned citizen at an Pro-Xmas rally. He later added, “I mean, if Jesus and his buddies needed a couple extra bucks, you know… I don’t think he’d ask Obama to move his birthday two weeks.” Another pro-Xmas supporter present at the rally was Gail Stevens, who was holding up a sign that read- MOVIN’ X-MAS IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL. When she was asked to point to the exact clause in the Constitution where it is stated that Obama cannot move Christmas, the woman declared, “you want a specific clause huh?… how ’bout Santa Clause — I don’t think his name having the word clause in it is any coincidence.” The movement to keep Christmas unchanged seems to be gaining momentum as FoxNews announced today that it will be organizing numerous “grassroots” pro-Xmas protesting events in the upcoming weeks. Read more of this post

Politicians and Pundits Howl-oween Bash Pictures

WASHINGTON D.C.  –  If the fun-loving bunch of politicians and pundits were looking for a break from a tense political season, then the Howl-oween Bash held this past Saturday evening was the place to be. Check out some of this year’s best & worst costumes:

Steele Shrek

Chairman of the RNC- Michael Steele as Shrek

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President Obama as Bert from Sesame Street

Fox News Sean Hannity Costume

Fox News' Sean Hannity

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Joe Wilson yelled “You lie!” during Obama’s speech on a dare

Rep. Joe Wilson claims Sen. Chuck Grassley promised to let him into ‘Gang of Six

Rep. Joe Wilson seen here telling Grassley "I do have the balls!! Just watch me!!"

Rep. Joe Wilson seen here telling Grassley "You don't know me, I'm the craziest SOB you've ever met brother!! I got bigger balls than just about anyone here not counting Biden...just watch Chuck- I don't give a f%ck!!"

WASHINGTON D.C., –  During President Obama’s moving speech on health care Wednesday evening, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (R) yelled out “You lie!” when the President stated his plan would not provide coverage for illegal immigrants. Many who heard his comment instantly began speculating that such an outburst could only come from someone with touretts syndrome. Although the jury is still out -Wilson denied he has or has ever suffered from touretts syndrome- but did not provide any suporting evidence to justify his denials. Wilson released this formal apology immediately following the conclusion of the President’s speech:

This evening it looks as if I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the whole health care thing. But there is more than meets the eye here. To be honest with y’all, I frankly don’t know enough about all this health insurance mess to agree or disagree with the President’s statements about them Mexicans getting their hands on my health care. Rather, my comments were a direct result of Senator Grassley challenging me by saying: ‘I didn’t have the balls to pull a Glenn Beck and scream out something illogical and crazy during the speech.’ He even claimed ‘Pelosi has got bigger balls than you.’ He also said he was ‘so sure I’d chicken out that he’d be willing to bet his own membership in the Gang of Six that I wouldn’t do it.’

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley challenged Joe Wilson to pull a Glenn Beck during the President's speech on Wednesday.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley challenged Joe Wilson to pull a Glenn Beck during the President's speech on Wednesday.

Now, I wasn’t going to let ole’ Chucky get one on me, plus the Gang of Six are so awesome, everyone knows they throw the biggest keggers in D.C. Plus, I really wanted one of them leather jackets they wear with the cool number 6 on the back of it- I’d be like the Fonz of the House man. So, I yelled it loud as hell, unfortunately I didn’t time it right cause- at the very moment I  started screaming everyone decided to get quiet. So all you heard was me screaming ‘You lie!’ I know how all this must look, but trust me we pull much crazier crap than that all the time over at the C-street house. Anyways, I also know without all this context- my comments might have seemed inappropriate to the viewers at home and the President. Hopefully, y’all can understand where I was coming from given the circumstances. I would like to extend my sincere apologies to the President for my outburst, and he also deserves an apology from Senator Grassley who started it all. Hopefully, I don’t think they’ll be any  hard feelings, because he knows that I don’t know enough about health care enough to have just blurted something out without being provoked.

Senator Grassley could not be reached for comment and is expected to address Wilson’s allegations in the forthcoming days. Read more of this post

John Boehner’s tanning spray recalled

Despite numerous warnings from the Surgeon General that continued use of tanning sprays would only make him look like more of a douche, Boehner vowed to continue using his products.

Despite numerous warnings from the Surgeon General that continued use of tanning sprays would only make him look like more of a douche, Boehner vowed to continue using his products.

House Minority leader John Boehner’s signature sunless tanning spray has been recalled by Naranja Skin Co. due a growing number of customer complaints.  The Ohio representative’s Deep Orange MicroMist Tanning spray had enjoyed national success until numerous customers recently needed to be hospitalized because they suffered adverse effects from using the spray. Thirteen people, in all, needed emergency care when continued use of the spray caused:  impaired vision (red only color visible); uttering of nonsensical statements without justification; and a complete inability to empathize with others.

Although the Naranja Skin Co. claimed the hospitalizations were isolated incidents, it issued a formal apology and has also called for an immediate recall of all sold and unsold product.  Boehner characterized Naranja’s recall as a precautionary move and stood by the products’ formula, claiming “hey look at me you don’t see me crapping my pants and my skin burning aint off!”

Break me off a lil spritz of that Boehmer sheeeet!

Break me off a lil spritz of that Boehn-asty sheeeet!

The most common side effects customers complained of was unexplained sensations of elitism, and sudden bouts of douchy attitude. These side effects were no secret to Boehner and Naranja, as the products’ warning labels explicitly cautioned users about those very conditions. Boehner explained, “when you look this good and tan, you can’t help but feel better than everyone, plus you aren’t afraid to let them know either.”

Originally marketed for middle aged men and women, Boehner’s spray surprisingly gained a loyal following amongst the 16-22 demographic, especially in the Philadelphia and New Jersey markets.  When word spread of the recall, mobs of orange roided-out fans stormed local pharmacies looking to stock up on the potent spray.  “I can’t go a day without my Boehner’s… son, cause the honeys be loving my orangeness kisses” said one area young man.  No word yet if the hospitalized customers are seeking legal action or not.

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