Obama awarded Nobel Peace Prize for his ‘peaceful approach’ to war

Obama honored for making wars in Iraq and Afghanistan seem more peaceful

WASHINGTON D.C.  –  A shocked Obama woke up this morning to the news he had been awarded the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize. Obama was chosen for his “peaceful approach” to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan said the Nobel Peace Prize election committee.

General Bressler displays the hand written invitation he received to attend the Afghanistan Resolution mixer.

Retired General Bressler displays the hand written invitation he received to attend the Afghanistan Resolution mixer.

The committee stated that “Obama has created a new climate in international politics. Peaceful wars are now the preferred instrument for resolving even the most difficult of international conflicts. Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama been so peaceful in the handling of wars on multiple fronts.” The committee went on to add, “In the past leaders of countries have always conducted their wars in a rude, confrontational, and hostile manner. Obama, on the other hand, has been very cordial and polite in the management of his wars.”

For example, Obama has been very hospitable in the way he has handled the topic of sending more troops to Afghanistan. In lieu of formal meetings, all of the military’s top personnel attended a series of dinner parties, socials, and mixers at the White House in the hopes of coming to a resolution on the issue. Each invitation sent to invitees were hand written in calligraphy by Obama himself, and sealed with a wax stamp. Read more of this post

Broke University to pay consultant $3 Million to help it find ways to save money

Excessive budget-cutting consultant fees not on chopping block says handsomely paid consultant

"The only way the university will be able to cover the costs of its librarians," said the consultant, "is by selling all the books in the university's library on Amazon.com."

"The only way the university will be able to cover the costs of its librarians," said the consultant, "is by selling all the books in the university's library on Amazon."

BERKELEY, CA. –  UC Berkeley has reached an agreement to pay a consultant $3 million to help the school find new ways it can save money. The consultant suggested that the university could cut its budget deficit by up to $1.2 million if it: cut faculty pay; laid off some employees; sold a portion of its campus; and raised student fees.

These, and other similar suggestions were part of the what the consultant calls its first phase of budget suggestions. The consultant said such suggestions were merely intended to be short-term fixes, much like a band-aid gently placed over a newly severed limb. The consultant urged everyone not to confuse its first phase of budget suggestions with its second phase of budget tips which include “long-term financial strategies.”

Budget analysts say the consultant’s second phase of budget tips could potentially save the university up to $6 million a year in the long term. “We think we have a great opportunity to save millions of dollars every year, if the consultant would just tell us what the second phase of tips are” said UC Berkeley Vice Chancellor Yeary in an announcement posted on the university’s website Monday morning. Sources close to Chancellor Yeary say the university has nearly secured all the funding to cover the consultant’s $8 million asking price for its second phase of suggestions. Read more of this post

Joe Biden really proud of Obama’s much improved penmanship

However, Obama still has room for improvement, says Biden- especially with his uppercase “W” and his lowercase “t” and “f”

THE BEGINNINGS  Jan.21- An unimpressed Biden looks on as Obama struggles to break the habit of writing in "chicken scratch."

(THE ROUGH BEGINNINGS) Jan.21- A disgusted Biden looks on as Obama writes his "chicken scratch."

WASHINGTON, D.C. –   When it comes to the topic of handwriting, Joe Biden calls himself “old-school” for believing good penmanship is the mark of a courteous writer who truly values his readers. Biden first took notice of Obama’s sloppy writing a few years ago while the two were still U.S. Senators. Yet, it wasn’t until late 2008, when Biden read an illegible hand-written memo from Obama that left the VP dumbfounded as to what was written, that he decided to take action.

In an effort to keep the matter internal, Biden approached Obama in private and offered to give him secret handwriting lessons. Much to Biden’s surprise, the President enthusiastically accepted Biden’s offer and the two met on a bi-weekly basis for secret handwriting lessons in the Oval Office until mid-September.

(FROM BABY STEPS TO BREAKTHROUGHS) May 27- Biden notices a marked improvement in Obama's writing.

(FROM BABY STEPS TO BREAKTHROUGHS) May 27- Biden notices improvements in Obama's writing.

Sources close to the VP say the process of transforming the President’s writing has been a monumental undertaking for Biden. The VP’s friends in the handwriting community actually tried to dissuade the VP from taking Obama on as a student, saying “coaching someone as old as Obama is impossible, he’s too foregone and entrenched in his writing style already.” Biden began to wonder if his friends were right after the initial lessons with Obama ended disastrously.

The VP started to question whether both, he and the President, were too old and if maybe they had bitten off more than they could chew in trying to change Obama’s handwriting. Despite Biden’s extensive handwriting coach experience, he had never taught a student over the age of fourteen, and more than twenty years had passed since he last gave anyone a lesson. Read more of this post

Sarah Palin’s Publisher unhappy with her Disturbingly Graphic and Vulgar Memoir

SPOILER ALERT!!! SARAH DOESN’T DIE AT THE END

The st

HarpersCollins released this preview pic of Palin's new book.

Ex-Alaskan Governor turned writer Sarah Palin ends her visceral debut book, Going Rogue: An American Life, with a stern warning that the shocking revelations about her life are all real, and believing otherwise “would be a very bad idea.”

“Ridiculous” might be more apt, particularly in reference to a key scene where supposedly her husband savagely ripped out his own fibula and used it as a weapon to ward off an angry bear from attacking the Palin family in 1994. In fact, “ridiculous” could describe the whole book as it moves from one preposterous event to the next. Take for example, the highly suspicious circumstances in which Palin says her son was conceived-  Sarah and Todd were somehow trapped in an overpopulated polar bear tank and decided that the best way to distract the hungry white beasts while they await rescue was by having sex. Because according to Palin “My daddy always told me, it’s hard to remember you’re hungry when you’re watching two people go at it.”

Palin hopes her new book will do better than her first book writing effort.

Palin hopes her new book will do better than her first book "Juneteenth- adding pizazz to your boring old swastikas."

It’s a testament to the book’s amazing pop-up graphics and Palin’s pulsing narrative that her tale about a barely literate soccer-mom turned politician (with a penchant for shooting wolves from helicopters) is actually really entertaining. So entertaining in fact, that the book’s complete abandonment of logic and common sense are worth overlooking. What you get in return is vulgar, violent, giddy fun.

To satisfy the demands of the illiterate majority of Palin's fans- the book will also be released on cassette, with narration provided by long time Republican supporter Bobcat Goldwaith.

For Palin's illiterate fans: the book will also be available on cassette narrated by long time Republican supporter Bobcat Goldthwait.

However, HarperCollins, her publisher did not seem too impressed with the book upon first read and gave Palin an ultimatum- rewrite it or it won’t get printed. Read more of this post

Beck tosses innocent frog into boiling pot of water on air – for fun

Not to rain on Beck’s crazy parade, but his little ‘experiment‘ was soo 90’s, as in 1690’s – it was called the Salem Witch Trials

Yes, you just witnessed a man kill a frog by tossing it into a pot of boiling water on live TV for no apparent reason, other than to prove to his critics, once and for all, that he’s a homicidal lunatic who can’t be trusted near amphibians. Beck was simply doing what he does best, which is to formulate some ridiculous argument/opinion based solely on a myth, only this time he tossed a live frog into a pot of boiling water.

The frog, who is survived by four tadpoles, was said to be a kind soul who had a zeal for life and truly enjoyed living. Friends of the frog claim he was a progressive environmentalist and a big supporter of green jobs. At his eulogy earlier today, his teary-eyed brother said “Ribbet!! My little bro didn’t die in vein- in fact, I couldn’t imagine a better way my brother would’ve wanted to go than by (sniffling) – exposing Beck for the crazy lying killer that he is.”

Frog-gate has already spawned another Beck book.

Frog-gate has already spawned another Beck book. Can you say stocking stuffer?! "Frogs: Boil Them Alive" is scheduled to hit shelves in earlier December - just in time for Christmas!

Sources close to the family say they were especially outraged by Beck’s dismissive comment- “forget about the frog,” he said immediately after realizing he had committed murder. The frog’s family plan on filing a wrongful death suit in the hopes of raising awareness of Beck’s murderous ways. Upon hearing of the family’s plans to sue him, Beck issued what can only be described as a heartless response. The douchey FoxNews show host actually had the audacity to claim the frog was a prop. So it’s not enough to end an innocent frog’s life- no, no- he felt compelled to add insult to injury by dismissing the frog as fake.

For argument’s sake, let’s assume for a moment that the frog was in fact a prop. Why would Beck rest his whole premise on showing viewers how they have to “jump out of the pot” in response to Obama’s policies- only to use a prop frog he knows can’t jump out of the pot. Does he secretly want viewers to stay in the pot of boiling water and die like the frog? I don’t get it. Read more of this post

Sarah Palin now offering Escort Services as part of fundraising campaign

Winning bidder ‘furious’ she overpaid for lunch with Sarah Palin

Maples says she feels "ripped off."

Maples pictured here, says she feels "ripped off." (Courtesy -FoxNews)

HUNTSVILLE, AL. – Defense contractor Cathy Maples won a lunch date with ex-Governor of Alaska and part-time blogger Sarah Palin. Maples won the Ebay auction to dine with Palin with a bid of $63,500, which is $23,500 more than what Palin usually charges customers for a “Lunch Date on me” according to Palin’s escort site. Sources close to Maples say the Church Lady look-alike is furious and is even thinking of canceling her bid.

Palin getting cozy during one of her famous double "Governor's special" sessions, which allows for customers to pull out before getting the job done.

Palin getting cozy during one of her famous double "Governor's special" sessions, which allows for customers to pull out before getting the job done.

One such source who spoke with Unreasonably Safe Observer is Willie Cunningham, an ex-employee and close friend of Maples. Cunningham told us that, “had Cathy known about Palin’s escort site she would’ve never bid more than $40,000,” and added, “heck, Cathy is even paying $3500 more than what Palin charges for dinner dates.” Cunningham also said, “even though Cathy told me she hasn’t gone lez for another chick in quite sometime, she is expecting whatever is included in the ‘Lunch date on me’- and hopes the lunch is in a private setting so they can get right to dessert.” Read more of this post

Why Sean Hannity leaked photos of himself with hookers on purpose- ANSWERED!!!

From left to right: PIMP (Bunny brothel owner Dennis Hof), JOHN (Sean Hannity with pen), and HOOKER (Stacy Swallows Air Force Amy).

From left to right: PIMP (Bunny brothel owner Dennis Hof), JOHN (Sean Hannity with pen), and HOOKER (Stacy Swallows or Air Force Amy).

Hooker on Hannity: “he has been gladly paying good money for really raunchy sex with women he barely knows since well before 1990.”

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA –   An anonymous source close to FoxNews told Unreasonably Safe Reporter  the pictures circulating on the internet of Sean Hannity posing with prostitutes were actually leaked by Hannity himself. The source is also claiming that he actually did this to distance himself from the Glenn Beck rape controversy. The well publicized allegations that Beck raped a woman in 1990 has started to catch the attention of the mainstream media. They have been dumbfounded by the same question concerned citizens have yet to get an answer on- ‘If Glenn Beck didn’t rape a woman in 1990, why hasn’t he denied the allegations.’ Despite the growing concerns of citizens nationwide, Beck, Hannity and the rest of the FoxNews crew have remained mysteriously silent on the issue. That is until today, when the photos of Hannity carousing with prostitutes mysteriously began surfacing on the internet.

Apparently, the release of the photos was in response to the recent allegations that Hannity might have had a part in covering up Beck’s rape controversy. Rather than be dragged down by Beck’s problems, Hannity got out in front of the issue and released these pics himself in the hopes of creating a diversion, while also giving himself the opportunity to get his side of the story out before the liberal media was able to spin it. The message Hannity is putting out there is simple, “While it may be true that I used to be a whore monger, I at least paid for sex in 1990.”

Hannity and his honies after a lengthy session of 'in-depth investigatory reporting' and 'hard hitting revealing exposes'

Hannity and his honies after a lengthy session of 'in-depth investigatory reporting' and 'hard hitting revealing exposes'

More importantly, the photo leak effectively accomplishes two things. First it distances him from Beck and his rape controversy by creating his own quasi-controversy for people to focus on. Secondly, it serves to create a pretty rock-solid defense. Which is: ‘Sure, I used to squander hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on prostitutes, but that doesn’t mean I have a deep seated hatred of consensual sex. It simply means I used to have a deap seated hatred of non-transactional consensual sex.Read more of this post

Lou Dobbs to divorce wife after finding out she’s Mexican

Dobbs says he was fooled by her ‘Mexican gypsy trickery’

Lou Dobbs and Wife Debi Lee Segura

The Dobbs seen here recently at a screening of Fit with Mitt. (A documentary chronicling Mitt Romney's battle and eventual triumph over his obsession with his physical appearance, and the grueling exercise regiments he used to be addicted to.)

SUSSEX COUNTY, NEW JERSEY –  CNN show host, and staunch immigration critic, Lou Dobbs has reportedly filing for divorce from wife Debi Lee Segura. The news of the divorce came somewhat as a shock to Debi and the couple’s four children. In a brief phone interview with Unreasonably Safe Observer, she said “I had no idea we were even having problems, I mean Lou kissed me before leaving to work this morning and then two hours later I get a call from his attorney telling me he’s considering filing for divorce.”

Apparently, sources close to Dobbs claim he is contemplating filing for divorce after discovering his wife’s “secret” Mexican heritage. A longtime producer of Dobbs’ show, who asked not to be identified for this report, says the CNN show host is outraged but says he only has himself to blame.

The producer said, “I mean all of us at the show thought he knew, you know… that Deb was Mexican. Which is why we always found it kinda weird that he was super anti-Mexico and everything.” The producer also added, “he said he couldn’t believe he fell for her Mexican lies, but in my opinion I don’t think Debi ever tried to hide her heritage. I just don’t know how someone doesn’t notice something like that, I mean seriously, all the clues were there: Deb took ‘Cinco De Mayo’ a little too seriously not to be Mexican, she’s always cooked awesome Mexican food, and she even spoke Spanish to all four of their kids, Juan, Julio, Consuela, and Miguelito.” Read more of this post

Patrick Swayze RIP: Rest in Paradise

patrickIt’s being reported that upon learning of Swayze’s passing, the Unicorn pictured above committed suicide, because apparently life wasn’t worth living knowing there would never be a Too Wong Foo Two.

Top 25 No sh!t Sherlock Headlines

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South African runner has got balls to deny genetics test results

Semenya showing off her womanly curves.

Semenya showing off her womanly curves.

The results of an investigation into the gender of South African runner Caster Semenya have been released and test shows its an … it. Concerns were raised over her his its masculine appearance following its victory in the women 800m race in the world championships last month. The tests shows that Semenya has testicles where her ovaries should be. The runner immediately rejected the claims that she has internal man parts, and says the claims are the product of jealousy over her talent to run really fast.

A source close to the genetics tests told Unreasonably Safe Observer: “This is evidence Semenya is a hermaphrodite, you know like Jaime Lee Curtis.”  The source added: “The chick has got some balls to deny the results of a genetics test which clearly show she actually has balls.”   86d47a81e32d45a18eadf994d267b9c2

In a shocking turn of events, which can only be described as a 830f77d99c1d12373stroke of marketing genius, the runner says she has signed a lucrative deal to pose for both Playboy and Playgirl magazines. Her agent Sal Goldberg said: “The magazine deals are just the beginning, Semenya has got the X factor and the Y chromosome to really take the endorsement business to the next level, she’s going to be the spokesperson for a huge segment of the population that until now has gone untapped.” Goldberg added: “Remember what Micheal Jordan did for basketball, well, Semenya is going to do the same but for chicks with balls in them.” Read more of this post

Joe Wilson yelled “You lie!” during Obama’s speech on a dare

Rep. Joe Wilson claims Sen. Chuck Grassley promised to let him into ‘Gang of Six

Rep. Joe Wilson seen here telling Grassley "I do have the balls!! Just watch me!!"

Rep. Joe Wilson seen here telling Grassley "You don't know me, I'm the craziest SOB you've ever met brother!! I got bigger balls than just about anyone here not counting Biden...just watch Chuck- I don't give a f%ck!!"

WASHINGTON D.C., –  During President Obama’s moving speech on health care Wednesday evening, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (R) yelled out “You lie!” when the President stated his plan would not provide coverage for illegal immigrants. Many who heard his comment instantly began speculating that such an outburst could only come from someone with touretts syndrome. Although the jury is still out -Wilson denied he has or has ever suffered from touretts syndrome- but did not provide any suporting evidence to justify his denials. Wilson released this formal apology immediately following the conclusion of the President’s speech:

This evening it looks as if I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the whole health care thing. But there is more than meets the eye here. To be honest with y’all, I frankly don’t know enough about all this health insurance mess to agree or disagree with the President’s statements about them Mexicans getting their hands on my health care. Rather, my comments were a direct result of Senator Grassley challenging me by saying: ‘I didn’t have the balls to pull a Glenn Beck and scream out something illogical and crazy during the speech.’ He even claimed ‘Pelosi has got bigger balls than you.’ He also said he was ‘so sure I’d chicken out that he’d be willing to bet his own membership in the Gang of Six that I wouldn’t do it.’

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley challenged Joe Wilson to pull a Glenn Beck during the President's speech on Wednesday.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley challenged Joe Wilson to pull a Glenn Beck during the President's speech on Wednesday.

Now, I wasn’t going to let ole’ Chucky get one on me, plus the Gang of Six are so awesome, everyone knows they throw the biggest keggers in D.C. Plus, I really wanted one of them leather jackets they wear with the cool number 6 on the back of it- I’d be like the Fonz of the House man. So, I yelled it loud as hell, unfortunately I didn’t time it right cause- at the very moment I  started screaming everyone decided to get quiet. So all you heard was me screaming ‘You lie!’ I know how all this must look, but trust me we pull much crazier crap than that all the time over at the C-street house. Anyways, I also know without all this context- my comments might have seemed inappropriate to the viewers at home and the President. Hopefully, y’all can understand where I was coming from given the circumstances. I would like to extend my sincere apologies to the President for my outburst, and he also deserves an apology from Senator Grassley who started it all. Hopefully, I don’t think they’ll be any  hard feelings, because he knows that I don’t know enough about health care enough to have just blurted something out without being provoked.

Senator Grassley could not be reached for comment and is expected to address Wilson’s allegations in the forthcoming days. Read more of this post

Obama’s speech to students results in many children now claiming: “Communism is the best!!”

Right wing’s irrational fears of Obama turning their kids into socialists realized

Professor Obama at work teaching his class the fundamentals.

Professor Obama at work teaching his class the fundamentals.

WASHINGTON D.C., –  President Obama planned on giving the nation’s students a little pep talk on their first day of school today.  However, news of the speech riled the feathers of many right wing pundits who viewed the speech as an effort by the President to indoctrinate the nation’s students into socialism. Some parents saw Obama’s speech as such a threat that they kept their children home today, and others requested their children be excluded from viewing the President’s speech. The outrage and protest amongst these parents was not enough to derail the speech, which went off without a hitch as the majority of the nation’s students viewed the President’s address.

Evidence of the speech's impact could be found in this fourth grade class picture, which clearly shows the students have embraced communism.

Evidence of the speech's impact could be found in this fourth grade class picture, which clearly shows the students have embraced communism.

The President’s speech focused on creating a responsibility amongst students for their own education, and did not contain anything in the way of proclaiming socialist or communist ideals. Despite the speech’s complete lack of political agenda, the immediate impact of the speech was nothing short of shocking, as now an overwhelming number of the nation’s students are  self-proclaimed communists.

The results of the speech could be found in speaking with area school children immediately after the airing of the President’s speech. One area second grader, Timmy Goldstein exalted, “from each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needs.” Another area first grader Stacy Davidson stated, ” we the proletariat, will be victorious in overthrowing the bourgeoisie.” Comments like these have become commonplace in schools throughout the nation. One area school even reported that a kindergarten class turned to violent protest over their right to use only red colored crayons for a coloring assignment in which they were asked to color an ocean scene.  Read more of this post

Tampa man’s “proof” Beck didn’t rape woman in 1990 – DEBUNKED!!

Gil Stefano claims to have taken this picture on March 13, 1990, while on a sailing excursion with Beck and friends.

Gil Stefano claims to have taken this picture on March 14, 1990, while on a sailing excursion with Glenn Beck and friends. The picture shows Beck on the bottom posing with Bruce Henning on top.

ST. PETERSBURG, FL.  –  “There is absolutely no way Glenn Beck raped a woman on March 14, 1990, because I was sailing with him and some friends that same day,” says local Tampa retiree Gil Stefano.  He is also claiming to have a picture he took on the sailing trip to prove it.

Mr. Stefano told Unreasonably Safe Observer, “when I first heard of the allegations I thought it was a joke, not because I didn’t think Mr. Beck was capable of it, but because from that sailing trip it didn’t seem to me like Glenn even liked women. He was flirting like a little school girl with Bruce Henning the whole afternoon” said Stefano. Who added “yeah, every time I looked at him he was batting his eyelashes or blowing little kisses at Bruce.”

The "Stephano" picture was originally published in 1985, a whole five years before Beck allegedly maybe raped a woman in 1990.

The "Stephano" picture was originally published in 1985, a whole five years before Beck allegedly maybe raped a woman in 1990.

As badly as Beck fans want to believe Mr. Stefano’s cute little tale, don’t be fooled. Mr. Stefano is not telling the whole truth. While there is no questioning the legitimacy of his photo, the date he is claiming to have taken the photo is clearly erroneous.

Apparently the same photo was originally published in 1985 by Annandale Advocate. The photo was part of a feature article which profiled Annandale local Bruce Henning’s love of sailing and men in the paper’s then gay friendly section, Backdoor Pages.

Read more of this post

Did Glenn Beck rape a woman in 1990? Answered!! Well sort of…

Did Beck rape a woman in 1990?

Does he have a ‘deep seated hatred’ for consensual sex?

Untitled

Official Durham County Police report listing Glenn Beck as a rape suspect. (Click on picture for a closer look)

DURHAM, CT.  –  According to a recently discovered Durham County Police report Glenn Beck raped a woman in 1990. Calm down!! Chances are the suspect in the case is just someone who shares the same name as the FoxNews show host.

Despite the great likelihood of this being the product of a simple mix up of names-  there are some eerie coincidences that are worth mentioning. For starters, the crime remains unsolved. The manhunt for the suspect briefly caught the attention of Durham’s local media after numerous reports were leaked stating that the rapist, not the victim,  cried throughout the encounter. This led to the local Durham media giving the wanted suspect the nickname – “Crying Rapist.”

Newspaper

"Crying Rapist" headline on March 28, 1990 reported by a local Durham newspaper. -- Courtesy of Durham Times.

The local media attention around the case intensified after Durham’s Channel 4 ran an interview with Gwendolyn Sutton, the officer who responded to the rape call. In the interview, Officer Sutton claimed “the victim told me the rapist whispered the phrase ‘I’m doing because I love my country‘ repeatedly as he cried and raped her.” Sutton added, “before the rapist ran away he looked at the elderly lady and reportedly told her ‘in the future a brilliant black man will run the government and get it to kill you‘ or something crazy like that.” After weeks of exhaustive searches and chasing countless dead leads, the county-wide manhunt for the “Crying Rapist” eventually died down. Local media coverage eventually faded out as the town turned its attention to the town’s annual bake sale hosted by Big Betty’s Brownie Bonanza, a local town favorite.

 The "Crying Rapist" police artist rendering bares a somewhat strong resemblance to Glenn Beck. -- (Courtesy: Durham Channel 4 archives. Click on picture)

The "Crying Rapist" police artist rendering bares a somewhat strong resemblance to Glenn Beck. -- (Courtesy: Durham Channel 4 archives. Click on picture)

It is also worth mentioning that Beck worked at WKCI-FM (KC101), a Top 40 radio station in Hamden, Ct., where he co-hosted the Glenn and Pat Show, a local morning show with Pat Gray. However, the fact that Glenn Beck worked in Connecticut prior to working at CNN and FoxNews in no way suggests that he raped an elderly lady. Obviously, there had to have been another man named Glenn Beck in Connecticut around 1990 too, who also harbored an unhealthy and irrational fear of a tyrannical and homicidal government, who  allegedly wept while raping an elderly lady.

Read more of this post