Rush Limbaugh cautions Jay-Z: Obama is after your penis

Rush tips off nation to Obama’s penis plans, and oh yeah…future vision of Minotaurs ravaging your grandma

Rush describing his penis when it first went missing in 1997.

Rush describing his penis when it first went missing in 1997.

After weeks of silence, Rush Limbaugh finally responded to rapper Jay-Z’s demands that he “get off my balls.”  Despite the clamoring of his  loyal fans for a response,Rush chose not to act hastily and prematurely deny the Jigga-man’s allegations.  Instead, the conservative-dick turned dick-conservationist had three of his interns circumnavigate his entire body over the course of ten days just to make sure that none of his abundant body fat was actually resting on Jay-Z’s testicles somewhere. All of the interns confirmed that none of Rush was on Jay-Z’s balls, however when Rush did respond, he didn’t fire back like most thought he would. Instead, Limbaugh had this to say:

After much investigation, I can assure all of you that I was not on anyone’s balls, but if I am somehow mistaken… I did not know I was on anybody’s balls.  I’m happy to know that they think I am though. But I didn’t – I didn’t actually know that I was.

It wasn’t enough to thoroughly address the rapper’s balls, he wanted more… Rush felt compelled to pay some lip service to Jay-Z’s penis:

I would remind the rapper Jay-Z, Mr. Z, and all Americans with penises, it is President Obama that wants to mandate circumcision. We had that yesterday, and that means if anybody – if we need to save our penises from anybody, it’s Obama…..

Before Limbaugh could finish his prophetic statement he was overcome with

Limbaugh describing his missing penis at a RNC event earlier this year.

What tall tales Rush tells, seen here describing his missing penis at a RNC event earlier this year.

emotion and the show abruptly cut to commercial. When the show returned from commercial, Rush mysteriously launched right into discussing the “meaning” of a newly added clause in the health care plan. The new clause, Rush claimed, would force all grandmothers into choosing death or  live out their lives in indentured slutitude, where they’d work all day, servicing the likes of leprechauns, minotaurs, androids, and other half breed beasts. Read more of this post

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