WTF! – Missing killer dolphins surface to fight Pirates?

Admiral Pafin of the Navy's Dolphin fleet

Admiral Pafin of the Navy's Dolphin fleet

Its 2005, New Orleans has just been hit by Hurricane Katrina, and you’re a Navy Commander charged with the duty of telling the President that uhh…. somehow three dozen highly trained dolphins are lost …err, went rogue.  (Yes, highly trained dolphins)  Absorb the absurdity that is now floating around in your head and imagine the awkwardness of having to brief the President on this.  Fortunately, President Bush was in office and he’ll believe just about anything…

Navy Guy:  “No, well you see…Mr. President, 36 killer dolphins abandoned their posts and escaped from the Gulf of Mexico.”

Bush:  “GODAMN!! SH*T!!!  Wait a second,  did Rummy or Condey put you up to this?”

FACT #1  – Dolphins have long been trained by the military

You call that a salute soldier?

You call that a salute soldier?

Ok back to reality, military animals have long been used by militaries all over the world.  The U.S. and Russian militaries have generally used them to find lost divers or to locate underwater mines.  Military dolphins are currently deployed all around the world, and have been used in many conflicts including the Vietnam and the First Gulf War.  Recently the use of military dolphins has expanded to include attack-and-kill missions.

The US Navy admits it has trained dolphins for “light-offensive” warfare; which I interpret to mean dolphins were trained to swim into enemy waters with with signs/flags strapped to their dorsal fin containing anti-enemy propaganda and/or ethic slurs.  During Vietnam “warrior porpoises” were the centerpiece of the “Swimmer Nullification Program”, which protected strategic Vietnamese harbors against infiltration by enemy frogmen.  After detecting an enemy, they were trained to pull off his face mask and flippers, tear the air-supply tubes, and finally “capture him for interrogation.”  I don’t know if that qualifies as “heavy-offensive” but it sounds awesome.  I contacted the Navy but they declined my request for an explanation, but they did not confirm nor deny the use of dolphins in “heavy-offensive” warfare.

FACT #2  – Dolphins kill for fun, and have killed humans before

Armed Navy dolphin on patrol

Dolphins are the only known animals other than humans that kill other species for pleasure or sport.  Scientists have unsuccessfully tried to find out why dolphins kill for fun but have narrowed it to two possible explinations- they kill to impress female dolphins, or they kill because they think its freaking hilarious.

In Vietnam, killer dolphins were actually responsible for the deaths of 40 Vietcong divers. As one former dolphin trainer for the CIA put it, they were taught to kill, initially with knives attached to their flippers and snouts.  Later many dolphins were

R.I.P. killer dolphin

R.I.P. killer dolphin

equipped with large hypodermic syringes loaded with pressurized carbon dioxide; and when the needle was rammed into an enemy frogman the rapidly expanding gas would cause the victim to literally explode.  Awesome right?  No, too much friendly fire.  Apparently an alarming number of dolphins ended up exploding by ramming each other.  Read more of this post

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