Broke University to pay consultant $3 Million to help it find ways to save money

Excessive budget-cutting consultant fees not on chopping block says handsomely paid consultant

"The only way the university will be able to cover the costs of its librarians," said the consultant, "is by selling all the books in the university's library on Amazon."

BERKELEY, CA. –  UC Berkeley has reached an agreement to pay a consultant $3 million to help the school find new ways it can save money. The consultant suggested that the university could cut its budget deficit by up to $1.2 million if it: cut faculty pay; laid off some employees; sold a portion of its campus; and raised student fees.

These, and other similar suggestions were part of the what the consultant calls its first phase of budget suggestions. The consultant said such suggestions were merely intended to be short-term fixes, much like a band-aid gently placed over a newly severed limb. The consultant urged everyone not to confuse its first phase of budget suggestions with its second phase of budget tips which include “long-term financial strategies.”

Budget analysts say the consultant’s second phase of budget tips could potentially save the university up to $6 million a year in the long term. “We think we have a great opportunity to save millions of dollars every year, if the consultant would just tell us what the second phase of tips are” said UC Berkeley Vice Chancellor Yeary in an announcement posted on the university’s website Monday morning. Sources close to Chancellor Yeary say the university has nearly secured all the funding to cover the consultant’s $8 million asking price for its second phase of suggestions.

Joe Biden really proud of Obama’s much improved penmanship

However, Obama still has room for improvement, says Biden- especially with his uppercase “W” and his lowercase “t” and “f”

(THE ROUGH BEGINNINGS) Jan.21- A disgusted Biden looks on as Obama writes his "chicken scratch."

WASHINGTON, D.C. –   When it comes to the topic of handwriting, Joe Biden calls himself “old-school” for believing good penmanship is the mark of a courteous writer who truly values his readers. Biden first took notice of Obama’s sloppy writing a few years ago while the two were still U.S. Senators. Yet, it wasn’t until late 2008, when Biden read an illegible hand-written memo from Obama that left the VP dumbfounded as to what was written, that he decided to take action.

In an effort to keep the matter internal, Biden approached Obama in private and offered to give him secret handwriting lessons. Much to Biden’s surprise, the President enthusiastically accepted Biden’s offer and the two met on a bi-weekly basis for secret handwriting lessons in the Oval Office until mid-September.

(FROM BABY STEPS TO BREAKTHROUGHS) May 27- Biden notices improvements in Obama's writing.

Sources close to the VP say the process of transforming the President’s writing has been a monumental undertaking for Biden. The VP’s friends in the handwriting community actually tried to dissuade the VP from taking Obama on as a student, saying “coaching someone as old as Obama is impossible, he’s too foregone and entrenched in his writing style already.” Biden began to wonder if his friends were right after the initial lessons with Obama ended disastrously.

The VP started to question whether both, he and the President, were too old and if maybe they had bitten off more than they could chew in trying to change Obama’s handwriting. Despite Biden’s extensive handwriting coach experience, he had never taught a student over the age of fourteen, and more than twenty years had passed since he last gave anyone a lesson.

Obama’s speech to students results in many children now claiming: “Communism is the best!!”

Right wing’s irrational fears of Obama turning their kids into socialists realized

Professor Obama at work teaching his class the fundamentals.

WASHINGTON D.C., –  President Obama planned on giving the nation’s students a little pep talk on their first day of school today.  However, news of the speech riled the feathers of many right wing pundits who viewed the speech as an effort by the President to indoctrinate the nation’s students into socialism. Some parents saw Obama’s speech as such a threat that they kept their children home today, and others requested their children be excluded from viewing the President’s speech. The outrage and protest amongst these parents was not enough to derail the speech, which went off without a hitch as the majority of the nation’s students viewed the President’s address.

Evidence of the speech's impact could be found in this fourth grade class picture, which clearly shows the students have embraced communism.

The President’s speech focused on creating a responsibility amongst students for their own education, and did not contain anything in the way of proclaiming socialist or communist ideals. Despite the speech’s complete lack of political agenda, the immediate impact of the speech was nothing short of shocking, as now an overwhelming number of the nation’s students are  self-proclaimed communists.

The results of the speech could be found in speaking with area school children immediately after the airing of the President’s speech. One area second grader, Timmy Goldstein exalted, “from each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needs.” Another area first grader Stacy Davidson stated, ” we the proletariat, will be victorious in overthrowing the bourgeoisie.” Comments like these have become commonplace in schools throughout the nation. One area school even reported that a kindergarten class turned to violent protest over their right to use only red colored crayons for a coloring assignment in which they were asked to color an ocean scene. 

Fail…eh? Canadians raise national failure standard

F D = Failure & Disappointment

B.C. University Dean Simon Fraser is taking punishment to a whole new level, by introducing a grade of FD meaning failure with dishonesty, or better yet f*cking disaster.  This is the worst possible grade a student can possibly receive.  “Students who receive a grade of FD essentially failed at failing,” said Fraser who has long supported raising the standards of failure.  Fraser added, “for too long students have expected Fs to be handed to them because they merely skipped class and missed every exam, Canada should expect more from its losers.”

Product of a former FD student

In an interview with Canadian newspaper, News…Eh?, Frasier justified the new FD grade on the grounds that it will finally provide F students with the opportunity to feel superior to another group of people.  Despite F students’substantially higher rate of failure, Frasier opposes the belief that F students failed at feeling superior because they’re failures who simply fail at mostly everything.  He cites a recent Montreal University study which attributes F students’ general lack of a superiority complex to the historical absence of a class of people to feel superior to.

Some critics think the new FD grade will cause F students to believe they’re not utter failures, but merely complete disappointments; and eventually lead to the replacement of D students altogether.  Others are not so apocalyptic-minded, but believe D students might develop an unrealistic sense of accomplishment from outperforming two groups of people.  Yet, most American educational experts think not much will be changed by the FD , as F and D students will always be considered losers.  Frasier has not commented on what, if any, effect the new FD grade might have on D students.

New sign painted near Canadian school, after a study revealed FD students were failing to stop at stop signs because they think stop is spelled s-o-p-t.

The Canadian Ministry of Education is planning similar measures in its effort to reform the country’s entire grading system.  In addition to adopting the FD grade, the Ministry also plans to introduce the experimental grade of CC (±), which is supposed to greatly expand the notion of slacker-style mediocrity.  A grade of CC (±) introduces the subjective element of “style” to assessing student performance but will count the same as a grade of C.  “C students did enough to get by,” said one board member, “whereas  CC (±) students made it look easy or added some pizazz.”   Another board member agreed and added, “we live in a society that increasingly values style over substance and the education system should be a reflection of what society expects from students when they enter the workforce.”