John Boehner wearing Ed Hardy ties now? Becomes official representative of douchebags everywhere

Ed Hardy douche bag plague claims House Minority leader John Boehner

The French designer of Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier, always dreamed of coming to the United States and shitting on every product in our everyday lives.  For, the most part he’s succeeded, as Ed Hardy is on everything from carpet cleaning sprays, incense. tampons and now around John Boehner’s neck. It is being reported that Boehner signed an exclusive contract with Audigier, in which he’ll wear Hardy’s crayola-diarrhea neck apparel in return for a large campaign donation come this fall from Audigier. Is the GOP that desperate for cash?  Maybe…. Is  Boehner now the official d-bag party representative? Yes, was there ever a doubt?

Ed Hardy – by douches, for douches.

John Boehner’s tanning spray recalled

Despite numerous warnings from the Surgeon General that continued use of tanning sprays would only make him look like more of a douche, Boehner vowed to continue using his products.

House Minority leader John Boehner’s signature sunless tanning spray has been recalled by Naranja Skin Co. due a growing number of customer complaints.  The Ohio representative’s Deep Orange MicroMist Tanning spray had enjoyed national success until numerous customers recently needed to be hospitalized because they suffered adverse effects from using the spray. Thirteen people, in all, needed emergency care when continued use of the spray caused:  impaired vision (red only color visible); uttering of nonsensical statements without justification; and a complete inability to empathize with others.

Although the Naranja Skin Co. claimed the hospitalizations were isolated incidents, it issued a formal apology and has also called for an immediate recall of all sold and unsold product.  Boehner characterized Naranja’s recall as a precautionary move and stood by the products’ formula, claiming “hey look at me you don’t see me crapping my pants and my skin burning aint off!”

Break me off a lil spritz of that Boehn-asty sheeeet!

The most common side effects customers complained of was unexplained sensations of elitism, and sudden bouts of douchy attitude. These side effects were no secret to Boehner and Naranja, as the products’ warning labels explicitly cautioned users about those very conditions. Boehner explained, “when you look this good and tan, you can’t help but feel better than everyone, plus you aren’t afraid to let them know either.”

Originally marketed for middle aged men and women, Boehner’s spray surprisingly gained a loyal following amongst the 16-22 demographic, especially in the Philadelphia and New Jersey markets.  When word spread of the recall, mobs of orange roided-out fans stormed local pharmacies looking to stock up on the potent spray.  “I can’t go a day without my Boehner’s… son, cause the honeys be loving my orangeness kisses” said one area young man.  No word yet if the hospitalized customers are seeking legal action or not.